Filmmaking | New England | Reports | Screenwriting
The Script Is Fine. Are YOU Okay?
Written by Jared M. Gordon | Posted by: JMG
I was hired on as a writer with a group of film fans who wanted to turn their big-screen dreams into reality. Of course, big-screen dreams bring with them a need for big-time fundraising, and this crew was big-time lazy, so they contented themselves with a short film.
My director/executive producer/editor instructed me, ‘Make it about love. And violence. And there should be a chase. And some sort of reckoning. Like between a girl and her father.’
I asked, ‘What do you mean? A reckoning between a girl and her father?’
He nodded enthusiastically. ‘Yeah! You know, some sort of throwdown between a girl and her dad. It doesn’t have to be a girl and her dad, but that sort of thing. Know what I mean?’
I shrugged. ‘I’ll write something up.’
Later that week I had a ten page draft that was You Can Count on Me meets As Good as it Gets. I brought it into the pre-production meeting that included the director, the producer, the producer’s girlfriend, and a batch of homemade cookies.
The director, the producer, and the producer’s girlfriend read the script while I helped myself to tasty snacks. Who says that writing’s a thankless job?
The producer’s girlfriend said something first. ‘I don’t get it. Who dies at the end?’
I frowned. ‘No one. Nobody dies.’
The producer put his arm around his girlfriend’s waist. ‘Why not? Do you think we should have someone die?’
Oh, gosh. I explained, ‘It’s typically better to have a character-driven piece that works through an emotional arc rather than a plot-driven mess that hits certain key points. Like a sex scene or a character dying.’
The director, who was still on page three, asked, ‘Is the sex scene tastefully written?’
I asked, ‘Sex scene?’
‘You put in a sex scene, right? I told you to include love.’
‘Yes, but love doesn’t always mean sex.’
He blinked. ‘What the hell are you talking about? You need to write a sex scene.’
‘Okay.’
‘A tasteful one.’
‘Check.’
I fired off another draft, keeping it as faithful to a high-concept theme as possible. Now the plot resembled As Good as it Gets meets Doctor No and Legally Blonde.
This time, the director, the cinematographer, and the gaffer read the script. The producer and his girlfriend were away for the weekend. The director put it down when he was done and asked, ‘Can we lengthen the chase scene? That’s sort of going to be the focal point of the whole thing.’
I said, ‘You don’t want it to go on for too long. How much longer did you want it?’
He said, ‘Have you ever seen The Matrix: Reloaded?’
‘Not on purpose.’
‘Good. Like that chase scene. But, you know, with a lower budget.’
I asked, ‘How will that contribute to the theme of the film?’
‘The what?’
‘The theme. The emotional through-line.’
He patted me on the back. ‘Don’t worry about emotions. I’ll direct them into people. You just get the action down!’
Okay, then. Now, the script resembled The French Connection meets As Good as it Gets meets Doctor No meets Legally Blonde meets Easy Rider. Nice!
The next week, the director had scheduled the shoot to begin. I was curious at this, as the final script wasn’t complete, and I wasn’t sure how he knew who to cast. But cast he did, even after I had combined two characters into one and cut two others from the prior draft.
Scheduling difficulties made it impossible for him to review the script until the morning of the shoot.
‘What’s this?’ he asked me, ‘Where are all of the characters you had before?’
‘I cut some. The script was becoming too crazy, and I know you wanted to keep it as short as possible.’
‘You cut the role of Laura!’
‘And the script is a page and a half shorter as a result.’
‘You can’t cut Laura!’
‘Why not?’
‘The producer’s girlfriend was going to play Laura.’
‘Ugh.’
I reattached the role of Laura and handed the director the script. ‘It’s too long, now,’ he whined, ‘Can’t you cut some of the chase scene down? Add in a faster resolution, too. The love scene needs to be as long as possible. Audiences love them.’
The script ended up resembling The French Connection meets Legally Blonde meets Easy Rider meets Y Tu Mama Tambien meets Avatar. It was likely the worst thing I’ve ever made, and I credited myself as ‘Alan Smithee’ on it.
The director read it and said, ‘Great job, Alan! We’re going to Sundance!’
He hoisted the script in front of the room of actors, crew, and the producer’s girlfriend.
Cheering and clapping.
FADE OUT:
THE END.
